Laws of Etiquette
from
The Quadrille Call Book and Ballroom Guide,
Mathias J Koncen, 1883
There is scarcely any person who pretends the slightest acquaintance with good society, who does not recognize the necessity of learning the polite art of dancing. There are but very few persons now-a-days who oppose Dancing, and that class are those who oppose anything that makes life cheerful. It is the natural desire that we all wish to be respected loved and admired, and there is no person who is more miserable than the one who believes himself to be disliked, by the society in which he is thrown. In order to receive this appreciation and affection, one must be worthy of it. Wealth nor influence will not bring it. It is the individual himself that wins the friendship and admiration of his associates. A good hearted person will always conduct themselves so as to command respect. Etiquette is not an art requiring the study of a lifetime,
therefore its absolutely necessary that every person should study the "Laws of Etiquette." The law cannot punish a person for discourteous behavior, but society can by refusing to recognize them and cause him or her to change their
manners. Young men and ladies upon first entering society are made to feel keenly their ignorance of the many forms, which they are expected to conform. No allowance is made for the inexperience of young men and ladies, and any awkwardness or social blunder is sharply criticised. A great many, however, are debarred from the amusement by not knowing "how to dance." Either bashfulness, lack of time or opportunity has prevented them from attending dancing school. For the benefit of that class, I have gotten up this book, at a great expense of labor and money. Dancing besides the amusement forms a part of the physical education. As it gives relief in certain diseases, and cures others, promotes the harmony of society and it is a most requisite accomplishment for all. It has been the earnest aim of the author to embody in these pages the latest novelties. He has spared no pains to attain this object, and offers
the work to the public with the hope that it will meet the needs of all classes of the American people. Even those who are posted in the "Polite Arts" under certain circumstances are at a loss to know just what to do. To all, such a book explaining simply and plainly the rules recognized by the best society is quite an assistance. ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL ROOM. At a ball it is absolutely necessary to have a conductor or a committee, who are usually distinguished by a badge or rosette. The committee superintends the dance, and any gentleman desiring to dance with ladies apply to them for introduction. A gentleman who escorts a lady to a ball after entering will immediately lead her to the entrance of the ladies dressing room. He without further delay proceeds to the gentleman's cloak room. After the lady has deposited her cloak, etc., and gives her hair a finishing touch and gloves herself, the lady proceeds to the parlor and waits for the gentleman. After the gentleman has deposited his hat and overcoat with the man having charge of the cloak room, he adjusts his tie and gives his hair a
finishing touch and gloves himself, he then immediately proceeds to his lady in the parlor, and escorts her to the ball room. The gentleman will dance first with the lady he accompanies to the ball, but will not dance with her too often, and he should provide her with a partner whenever she desires to dance. Do not engage in any long or confidential conversation in a ball room. Do not wait until the music has commenced before selecting your partner, and lead her to the place in time to commence with the other dancers. A gentleman should not stand as though he were afraid of his partner, but he should make himself as agreeable as possible. The Ladies' Dressing-room is a place into which no gentleman should ever presume to look; to enter it would be an outrage not to be overlooked
or forgiven. The gentleman who dances with a lady in the last dance before supper, conducts that lady to the supper room, attends on her while there, and escorts her back to the ball-room. When the Quadrilles are being formed, if you should accidentally occupy another couples place, upon being informed of the fact you should apologize and secure another position. The usual form of asking a lady to dance is: May I have the pleasure of Dancing this Quadrille with you? or, shall I have the honor of dancing this set with you? or, shall I have the pleasure? or, will you give me the pleasure of dancing with you. To accept is easy enough-thank you is sufficient. To decline with delicacy, and without giving offence is more difficult:-thank you, I am engaged. You may request her to name the earliest dance for which she is not engaged; and when she will honor you with the next dance. When you conduct your partner to her seat thank her for the pleasure she has conferred upon you, and do not remain too long conversing with her. Ladies should take especial care not to accept two partners for the same dance; nor should a gentleman ask a lady to dance with him more than twice during the same evening. If he is intimate with a lady he may dance with her four or even five times. When a lady has accepted, the gentleman offers his right arm, and leads her to the place on the floor. At a public ball if a gentleman without a proper introduction, asks a lady to dance she should positively refuse. A gentleman should endeavor to entertain the ladies who dance with them with a little conversation, or something more novel than the weather, or
the size of the room or the wax on the floor. And in round dances they should be particularly careful to guard them from collisions. Finally let no gentleman presume a ball room introduction, it is given with a view to one dance only, and will certainly not warrant a gentleman in
going further than asking a lady to dance a second time, out of the ball room such an introduction has no force whatever. If those who have
danced together meet next day in the street or the park, the gentleman must not venture to bow unless the lady chooses to favor him with some
marks of recognization. If he does how he must not expect any acknowledgment of his salutation nor take offence if it is withheld. If a lady refuses to dance with you bear the refusal with becoming grace, and if you perceive her afterwards dancing with another gentleman seem
not to notice it, for in these matters ladies are excepted from all explanations. While dancing a lady should consider herself engaged to her partner, and not to be at liberty to flirt between the figures-and the lady should
recollect that it is the gentleman's part to lead hear and, it is her duty to follow his directions. Even those persons who are familiar with the rules
of the Fashionable Society are often the worst offenders. When a lady is standing in a Quadrille though not engaged in dancing, a gentleman not acquainted with her partner should not under any circumstance converse with her. If you are wise you will not ask a lady to join in a Waltz or any other Round Dance in which you are not thoroughly posted, as it is an
unpardonable offence. At public balls a programme of dancing is given to the guests on their arrival, and this example should be followed all times and places. Never forget an engagement, it is an offence that does not admit of excuse except when a lady commits it, and then a gentleman is bound to
take her word without a murmur. Whoever is admitted into a company of ladies and gentlemen, is supposed to be, for the time being on an equality with all present, and should
be treated with equal respect. Great care should be given to prevent the appearance of awkwardness and bashfulness. Assume a modest confidence and all will pass smoothly. Should a gentleman be obliged to pass through an assembly of ladies where he cannot do so without disturbing them as he is compelled to pass in front. It is only common politeness for him to apologize for disturbing them. While promenading should you meet friends or acquaintances, its only necessary to salute them the first time of passing, to salute at every
round would be tiresome and improper; if you have anything to say to them join them at once. When dancing with a lady to whom you are a stranger be careful in your conversation, saying as little as possible without being considered
unsociable, be mild in your deportment, lead your partner gently through the dance, and take her carefully by her hand; at the end conduct your
partner to her seat and politely bow and retire. In Waltzing, a gentleman should exercise the utmost delicacy in holding his lady. If you cannot dance do not attempt to Waltz at all as a
gentleman is more conspicious (sic) in this dance than any other Dance smoothly and gracefully, do not jump, sway or caper your body. At a ball when announcement of the manager, all should immediately take positions on the floor, but no positions should be taken by any of the
couples until the signal is given. Contending for head or side positions in a Quadrille indicates a quarrelsome disposition altogether out of place. If you cannot secure the head
take the sides and show that you are a gentleman. Nothing is more vulgar than the habit of beating time with your hands or feet in a ball room, as it displays the lack of deportment. Any person
who posesses (sic) self respect will not smoke, chew tobacco or spit on the floor. Never forget the ladies are to be taken good care of, they are entitled to the places of distinction, and to have the best seats in the house, and
are to your courteous protection. Never repeat in society any scandal that you have heard, you may give your own opinion but never repeat the opinion of others. Never loose control of temper or pretend to notice a slight. Do not give hints, speak frankly or not at all, and use good English words. When you go to a sociable or ball you should not go to enjoy yourself, but you should go to enjoy others. If others enjoy you cannot help from
enjoying yourself. Under no circumstance should a lady parade a ball room alone or enter it unaccompanied. A gentleman who escorts two ladies to a ball may in the absence of friends address a stranger and offer him a partner prior to asking his name
to an introduction. When a gentleman is waiting on a lady at a ball or party he should dance the first set with her, and may introduce a friend or exchange partners
or dance again as circumstances may dictate. In ascending a staircase with ladies go before them or by their sides. A lady should never leave a ball room unattended; a gentleman seeing a lady with whom he is acquainted should promptly offer to escort her,
and the lady on her part should accept the offer with thanks. It is very impolite and insulting for a couple while dancing in a Quadrille to Waltz around or inside of the next set.